My struggle  -  A true story by Samuel McGhee (17)

First and for most I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who supports Columba 1400 in any way.  Columba 1400 is first and foremost my saviour, if it wasn’t for Columba 1400 I think I would be six feet under by now - and that leads me to 'WHY'.  If you can take a few minutes, please read my story and see how Columba 1400 can change a persons life at its most crucial point.

I was in care from when I was 14, until my 16th birthday.  My parents were arguing a lot because of my dad’s heavily drinking and usage of drugs, which was causing them to start splitting up. This was about the time I was diagnosed with depression - everything was getting to me too much and life was not looking brilliant.  I was self-harming a lot and was 'letting myself go'.  I thought it would be best if I was placed into foster care, my parents agreed, I was subsequently placed in the custody of the local authority.

During my time in foster care my parents were drifting further and further apart, I was being pulled in two different directions.  Either I was on my mum’s side and blaming my dad, or vice versa.  I managed to cope through this by rebelling against my foster parents and causing more problems than I could solve.

I received a phone call from my father one day, and afterwards I was too depressed and stressed out by all the stresses of the day.  I went upstairs in my foster parents house and I had tried to take my life.  An ambulance was called and I was taken to the nearest paediatric hospital and given my own cubicle.  I was also placed under 24hour suicide watch.

During my 6 week stay at this Hospital, I was cooperating fully with all the limits placed on me. Unfortunately one night I had lost all hope, I had wrote a letter telling my family how I thought they would have a better life without me etc.  I ran away from the hospital and my mind was set.  I was planning to jump of the biggest and nearest bridge. I presume it was the hospital staff who called the police, and luckily I was picked up by police before I reached the bridge.  I was detained for a few hours and then taken back and placed under the care of the hospital.

The actions I had taken that night were treated very seriously by everyone.  Three days after that incident I was transported from Inverness to Glasgow by Ambulance to Gartnavel Royal Hospital, Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Unit.  I was there for only a very brief while and was discharged and placed back in the care of my mother and father.

My birthday had arrived, which was shared by a close friend of mine.  My friend had thrown a party, and I was invited.  I had been binging on alcohol throughout that day and was picked up by the police after I caused a serious disturbance.  I still had all my problems.

About 1 month after my birthday I had an argument with my father and yet again I wandered up to the bridge.  This time noone knew that I was headed there.  I had been sitting on the ledge of the bridge for around 5 hours when a motorist spotted me.  He got out of his car and tried to persuade me to come down off the bridge.  I was not very willing to come down – I was intoxicated and vulnerable – and finally the man called the police.  Police negotiators tried to persuade me to come down off the bridge, they were talking to me for 2 hours before I gave up I decided to come down.

I was kept in a police cell overnight and taken to a children’s hearing the next day.  It was decided that I was unable to go back and live with my parents and that I was an extremely suicidal and vulnerable young man.  I was kept under a Place of Safety warrant (a Local Authority designated house that I could be safe inside) with the condition of authorisation of a secure unit – if I didn’t keep to the boundaries in the house they put me, in they would be put in a secure unit.  I had two people beside me 24 hours a day for about five weeks.  Then it got lowered to one staff member when I was trusted.  I was in this house for 6 months then was given house room in a secluded residential unit 13 miles outside of Inverness.

My parents separated completely a few months later and I had started to build up a relationship with my father, which had been non existent in the past. By the time of my 16th birthday my dad and I had a strong relationship, and we both decided when I turned 16 I was going to move back into my dad’s house. All the necessary meetings took place and I was released from the local authorities care.  I was a free spirit (or so I thought). Initially I put up with my father’s drinking and drug taking, until one night we had decided to visit some relatives in Glasgow.  My dad had drunk too much alcohol and was starting to blame the separation and every single problem in his life on me. I had coped with this kind of thing all throughout my life but something inside of me said 'you don’t have to be put down all the time'. So I stood up and made myself counted. I told my father that it was all his doing, that I had nothing to do with his and my mum’s separation, or with anything else he was blaming me for.  He responded by saying these words: "Get out of my family’s house and never darken any of my families’ doorsteps again". 

The house I was in at that time was in a place called 'Possil Park' in Glasgow.  At 2 o'clock in the morning I was thrown from not only my family’s house but also their lives.  I had to process everything and realised that the most mature and sensible thing to do was to phone the children’s home I had been in back in Inverness. They got me in touch with the emergency standby team in Inverness, who said the best thing to do was to go to the nearest police station.  I walked through Possil Park and through Maryhill in Glasgow and reached the city centre, so I walked through that and I went to the police station in West Regent Street, explained my situation I stayed in the police station reception that night.

In the morning I was directed by police officers to Buchannan Bus Station. I got on a bus to Inverness, was met by a social worker at Inverness Bus Station and was subsequently taken to the Highland council service point and placed in B&B Homeless Accommodation.

I had stayed in B&B for 7 months. During this time I fell victim to the terrible crime that is commonly known as Rape. I was left psychologically unstable, and I made several more attempts on my life. There were almost weekly visits to the nearest psychiatric hospital or the A&E department because I was self harming and overdosing.

I was released from the hospital and went back to the B&B. Initially when I got back I was trying to come to terms with what happened (rape) but I couldn’t.  It was too difficult for me to come to terms with something like that.  I had officially lost myself.

During my 7 months of being in B&B accommodation, I had started to drink a lot and became socially detached from the world. I hardly ever spoke to anyone and rarely went out, and when I did it was to either buy cigarettes, meet up with supporting agencies or to get more alcohol.  My drinking was getting so bad that I started to think myself, that I was becoming an alcoholic at 16. 

Until one day my Barnardos Through Care and Aftercare worker spoke about this place called Columba 1400. My worker said that maybe Columba 1400 could help me break the cycle I was in.  Of course, at that time I was completely sceptical about ever being helped.  I didn’t really want to go all the way over to Skye with lots of people I didn’t know and talk about my deepest problems. I decided though that what did I have to lose.

I went to Columba 1400 and what happened at Columba was that I found the person that was deep inside me – the person I never even met before. At the start I was a little shy but then I learned about expanding your comfort zone.  Once I began to talk, I found it very hard to stop. I became the person I ought to be and not the person that people thought I should be. I saw an opportunity (although I was a sceptic to start with) and I took it with both hands.

Now I am working full time, I have my own house, have a beautiful fiancée and I feel as though I am eventually living the life I ought to be – without any problems whatsoever.

Since I coming home from Columba 1400, my family and friends say that I have a complete different personality – a more optimistic personality and a new improved approach and attitude towards life. Columba 1400 made me proud of what I am and who I have become all through the course of their Leadership Academy.

I recently went back to Columba 1400 to do their new Coracle Programme.  It was so great to be back and I was totally shocked to think about when I had first walked through their doors.

The Coracle Programme helped me realise that I want to give something back to the world, and to do this I plan to train to become a fully qualified Nurse.

You can see how much Columba 1400 has changed my life and helped me get the life I have always wanted and deserve!

Thank you all for taking the time to read this.

I hope anyone and everyone will realise that against all odds, there is light at the end of the tunnel all you need to do is find the light within yourself

MR SAMUEL MCGHEE