My name is Maryann Taylor and I am writing to tell you my story - how I got involved with Columba 1400 and how it helped me to turn my life around. I hope my story helps young people to realise what they are worth and capable of doing when they put their mind to it. Each and every person has the power within themselves to do anything they wish, and turn their life around to how they would like it to be. All you need to do is have faith and believe in yourself. A little hope goes a long way as I have found out for myself.

My father died when I was 11 months old - from there on my mother found it very hard to cope and was in a pool of depression. She was this way for years and no one took any notice of it until I spoke about what was all going on in my home environment. I was abused in so many ways.

It took me until I was 13 years old to get the courage to talk to anyone about what was all going on at home. The last straw was one morning before I got the school bus. I got up 10 minutes late and my mum flipped and I knew that I had to talk or else it was going to get worse. At that point I didn’t know what was going to end up happening. I can honestly say that I’m more than glad that I finally found the courage to talk within myself. It was the most important thing I have done in my life as it got me out of all the horrible situations that I was in and it also got help for my mum. I thought every thing was her fault and blamed her for it all - when in fact she had her own problems - but I was so young and never thought of considering her needs at all.

From the time that I went into care I was in a dark abyss. I could see no light for myself anywhere. I was seriously depressed for a long time. I tried many different things to free myself - I felt there was no hope. I spent a long while in hospital because of the way I felt and the things I did. At this time I started to write poems and lyrics for songs. My first poem was called Confused. This is a poem that I still read often whenever I’m down, I read this poem and it shows me how far I have come since I was a lonely little girl.

Confused

I want to live
But yet want to die
I need to laugh
But want to cry
I want to cut so
I can smile
I want to live
But yet want to die

I want to be alone
But want someone to turn to
So confused and lost
I want
But don’t want
I want to live
But yet want to die.

I moved into my first residential unit when I was 15 years old, after spending yet another long spell in the hospital. It was really hard for me to get used to living in a unit with other young people and also the fact that there were so many staff coming and going all the time. I was still writing poems at this point but they were all the same. The words may have been different but they all meant the same thing to me. They were all about my past - I was stuck in my past and there was still no light to be found. While in the unit I started to trust myself a little, and I found something that made me feel good about who I am and that was my voice, so I started going to singing lessons about once a week. This was a fantastic feeling as I had found something that made me have some happy memories. Because of my singing lessons I found that I was not using self harm as much as I was before. When I just let myself go it was like I was releasing some of the emotions that were wedged inside of me. My self harm did not stop at this point but it got less.

My granny died in 2003 which sent me off the rails for a bit, as I was in the same hospital at the same time as her and none of my family bothered to tell me. This hurt more than any thing. I loved my granny more than anything - she was all my friends, my family put into one. I held her hand as she went. This was the worst feeling I have ever felt, seeing her take her last breath and having to say goodbye. Suddenly my past was not so important. The memories of my granny were, though. I realised that - I had to turn my life around for my gran but then, after my granny it was my cousin - she died in 2004. This was the next blow I had to take in. After all that had happened I started to get really depressed and down so back into myself I went.

I got my first proper job in a Nursery not far from where I lived this was fantastic experience for me. I started my SVQs (early years care and education), I really enjoyed the fact that I was starting to spend time focusing on something positive for a change. I had been at the nursery for about 6 months to a year when I got paid off as there were too many staff. Because of this, I never got to finish my SVQs. This was something else I hade to get over. 

I got myself a wee dead end job but at the end of the day it was money. While I was working I got the chance to go up to Skye to Columba 1400 for a week to get involved in the leadership program. This was a fantastic opportunity for me. I was so nervous about going up and meeting new people but at the same time I was really excited. I was so quiet and no one really got to know me till about the middle of the week. There was one session that I really felt like I had found myself, and that’s when I started to work out my past by myself .This was an amazing feeling for me as at that point I never thought that I would have been able to feel this way. In about the middle of the week I was just sitting on my bed and I started to write a poem. I never noticed until the end that it was so positive. It has been unreal - since then they have all been really positive and looking to the future. Like everyone always says, when I finished my week I felt like I did not want to go home. I took so much, home from my week up at Columba 1400 - my confidence started to grow from then but I never noticed. After my week I decided that I was worth more than a dead end job. I stopped self harming from there on and after a while I became more positive. In the January after Columba 1400 I got myself in to college and completed my Social Studies course. This showed me that everything - well nearly everything - I used to get told about myself and believed about myself  was not true, as I am worth something and I can do whatever I put my mind to.

Angels.

Floating high above the crystal sky
Floating near and floating far
Always there never gone
Helping with all life’s little troubles
All your fears
All your hopes
Just talk to an angel
Let’s go 

The sun is shining
The sky is clear
A brand new day
And a brand new me
I m all ready now
Let’s go

There’s light I see
Not far but near
My future is coming clear
Life is just beginning
Let’s go

Love is care
Care is love
A flower is about to bloom
Remember this
You will see
A life just for you
Let’s go.

I got the chance to go back up to Columba 1400 to participate in the new Coracle programme. It feels fantastic that I was asked, I was part of the first Coracle group.

Now I’m staying up in Skye for three months with Project Scotland to be a volunteer working with Columba 1400. This is such a huge step for me and I’m so happy and positive about being up here and being part of the team.

I turned my life around by myself and I can honestly say that I am so proud of myself and where I am today. I have forgiven my mum now and have started to be honest with her and now she is the same with me. I have let go of my past now. I still have my moments when I feel a little down, but it doesn’t last forever. It is to be expected that I would have my moments and its good to look back now and again to see how far i have come.

If I was to give a piece of advice for others who are or have been in similar situations as me, it would be to keep going have faith and believe in yourself and you will go far.

No one can change your life for you – only you can do it. Look forward not behind and you will do it like I have done it. Sometimes you need a helping hand so if someone offers I would say go for it.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story of my courage and hope.

Maryann Taylor